Taking Chances

As life keeps on going from a circle of life to an end of a life I have known, a sober and rude awakening hits me that nothing waits. Love, money, friendship, family or even materialistic things. Yet the hardest thing to decide whether to hold onto something that does you no good  or no longer helps you grow. The hope still lasts as the familiarity and bond makes you hold on. Is it love? Is it the comfort of knowing the flaws and familiarity?

Life is not to be possessed but to be appreciated. There is nothing to hold on to, as we all know, life eventually slips away. We protect young ones from falling down and getting hurt, we protect ourselves from being rejected by others. Our egos dented and bruised by life's harsh reality check, we build a wall to barricade the moments that would hit us hard.

As we build the wall and stay crouched, awaiting the blows from life, we loose sight of all the good things that come with the pain. The lessons, memories, support and friendship because every thing in life comes with a price. Sometimes it is taken away for the better other times, to teach you a lesson.Something lost, is something else gained.There are many cliche sayings such as when one door closes another opens or when God removes something from your hand he replaces it with something better. At the end of the day, all that matters is whether you let the past stay where it is and put your best foot forward and take the plunge. At the end of the day it is entirely up to you to make a decision that either hurts you or fills you with joy, which ever way it goes, the undeniable truth is that it molds and shapes you for the tomorrow you anxiously await. You are defined by the chances you have taken, not by the ones you let slip away, the only question remains; how do you want to be defined?

The Memories That Once Were

As I sit here and ponder on all the thoughts that have crossed my mind, I fin myself coming across bittersweet memories. How do you move forward when there is so much holding you back? The hardest thing in life is learning when to let go. It isn't throwing in the towel as much as it is learning to walk away from something that no longer makes you grow. You stay, the memories are familiar and unchanging. It does not hurt you because you know the ending, you know the outcome.But that is all it is, that is all they are; memories. You do not forget them, but you don't love in them as well.

Afew weeks ago, a friend's mother passed away. She had to make that decision whether he lived or died. How does one find it in them to choose the life that would be of poor quality to someone or death to end the misery? How do you look at the one you love and say goodbye one last time, knowing that this day forward, he/she will no longer be part of your life but only a memory?

As she came up to me, "how do I forget the memories?" That sentence till resounds in my head. How do you forget memories? Are you supposed to forget them? What if they do more bad than good to you? Do you still keep remembering them? How do you look at someone and tell them that you aren't supposed to forget the memories but cherish them, when you know a loved one's memory only brings heartache and pain?

Let them flow, let them pass through your body like morphine attached to your vein. Let it ourse through your body and let it flow like a river. Let it heal the pain with heartache and tears and broken trust and faith. Let it bring you crashing down, with hoplessness in your eyes.From there, the bottom of the bottomless pit, the place where you learned to grieve and comfort yourself, the place where tears dried out and you can see clear again, the place where you lost faith but started to believe in yourself, is a perfect place to start anew. For that does not kill you, only shall make you stronger.

Love NEVER Fails

As I have been bitten twice shy once again on the train to misery and loneliness (out of my own wrong doing may I add), Many things have been popping up in my head as well as people popping into my life out of the blue. But one thing never fails to come into my mind, that one thought of the person that has a pinnacle point in my life.I know that sometimes when you come from two wholly different backgrounds, thoughts and actions may clash, but the beauty of love is that even though the mind may be angry, the heart still cares. After everything has died down and gone to rest, do you continue to feel angst towards someone that seems dearly to you?

Forgiveness is one of those gifts that is worth giving back and keeping at the same time.People may see this trait as weakness or a liability to oneself, but the truth is, forgiveness is what keeps us going, forgiveness gives us strength in times that we would need to be strong.As far as I know, it is hard to let go of someone you love, especially if you still want to give it another try. There aren't a certain number of fights that you go through before you break up. Sometimes you can go through a million fights in a month's time and realize at the first day of the second month, the relationship is always worth that one more try.

We live in a world where relationships are painted in a picture where no fights whatsoever occurs. Or that only a few fights happen. Truth is fights and disagreements will take place. Love is not based on the lack of fights or disagreements or misunderstanding. You cannot measure love. Love is endless (gets you pretty crazy too!) , if you try to make sense of loving someone, if you try to make sense of someone being jealous or a bit too caring and protective, if you try to make sense of a feeling and emotion that doesn't need senses, then you will fail. Love is pure and innocent, sometimes we may come off naive and irrational, because a heart wants to take the risk and at the same time is afraid of getting hurt. So what do we do? We put our guards up and shield ourselves away from any truth that may hurt but at the same time heal our past wounds.

Healing is a tough thing, since you cannot get better without feeling a little pain. The moment we feel that there is a chance that someone might betray us, or hurt us, in other words, opening ourselves up again, we fear the worst. You will never get it right the first time, especially after the initial disastrous relationship, but as long as you are trying, then you are moving forward.People may reject you of your past, sometimes you may not know how to reveal past scars. Find someone that can look at you and say it to your face when you are doing something wrong, find someone that will scream and shout at you for your mistakes and then comes back to love you. Then you know you found someone that truly cares. If they could not be bothered to help you get back up and take you away from the wrong path, do they care for you as much as you think they do?

Maybe I wasn't asking you to love me, maybe I was only asking you to understand.Because for so long I've been hurt and for so long everyone has ignored it, and maybe it is bad timing, but maybe I don't care. Waiting for you to say I've been waiting too. yet you haven't and maybe you never will. or maybe you are afraid as I am. But it all hurts the same, and in the end I will be the one that is left broken. When I lay down to sleep, I will still be the one crying. So screw the bad timing. I've loved you then like I've love you now and you know already deep down, I always will.

Chocolates and Heartaches

Another day passes and I sit here wondering whether you will be mine again. I ponder on all the thoughts we could have shared, and as each time I think of calling you I recall it is not me who needs this space but you. So I wait hoping and praying you will come right back.But the chances of you walking back in with a smile and a heart that feels the wonder of us is slim, and the chances of me walking away heartbroken are high. Yet, I am still ready to take this chance, this risk knowing I might fall flat on my face in front of a crowd jeering.

Although I got the support of many I wait to see your hand to pick me back up. I'm lost in a cloud of strangers as my friends and looking for a soul that soothes mines as they meet. I long for another embrace, another laugh, another cry with you. Could it be we needed this? Would it hurt us more than fix us? I don't believe in meant to be's , I just believe in you and me and that is all I need. so just let me hear your voice so my heart stays calm awaiting for you, and knowing you are okay and everything will be fine.

I'll fight till the world crumbles under my feet, I'll be stubborn and irrational if only that means I get to keep you for just another day longer. If that means your breaths are familiar to me then I'll shut the doors and stay in with you for eternity. Can you promise me your heart? Can you promise me your tears and heartaches? I swear I'll share the chocolate with you too.

Make a promise standing here as the world falls apart, I'll look into your eyes and you look into mine. We'll smile to each other and hold hands, make a promise that no man made disaster can stand. I will walk into your arms with tears on my face knowing this day forward it is just you and me and nothing else could come between us.

But I guess that dream has come to pass, and there needs to be space that separates and blurs the dreams to just a thought not worth pondering upon. Could you stand with me one last time? Make a pact that we'll make it to the end. I'll call you and share as each story happens and we'll laugh and cry and make fun of everything that needs be. I give you my word, I give you my heart, this is a battle we could win.

The ribbon tied blessing

As otday is another brick on the wall to building it right back up as soon as it shattered to the ground. I realised that for so long I have been trying to make sense of my failures and short comings. Yet today I realized that the best decisions that you could ever make are the ones that do not make sense; no logical reason what so ever sometimes.

 So do not worry if you're heart is on your sleeve, or if your heart is drunk and like a kid. If you want something, it won't be easy, it may sometimes feel like things won't come through, but it is when you are at your hardest that if you follow through, things come through. I witnessed the best and worst week today and I was blessed to know that I got an amazing support system.

The best thing to witness is when you are down in the dumps, feeling like you just want to kick the bucket and then someone comes up to you and says you changed their life for the better. I guess for me knowing that lives can be changed by a slight effort of taking time to listen to them and empathizing with them is a huge impact on the way I treat people close to me. I close myself up to people close and just be a shoulder to lean on, but as I start to open up, I see that people actually care more than you think.

I spent one of my best days today devoting my time and just in adoration of our loving Mother, and I realized I cannot be stressing myself on things I cannot change. I cannot worry if someone does not feel the same way I feel or no longer does for it is not my battle to fight but that person's.You just be the best damn person you can, and that is if you wear your heart on your sleeve then go ahead and wear it out! Your life is yours and no one else's.

I realized that yes I may be a total emotional wreck and a crazy maniac, I am clumsy and a nuisance you can love me and hate me at the same time and I am as flabby as an obese whale could be, but my heart is pure and I can bet you a million bucks from now till the day I die that there wont be anyone that could love someone as well as I can. In an imperfect package comes a package that is perfect, but during delivery it was thrown around, and dented at the sides, but if you open it up, it is still that same package you were waiting for, sometimes you're whole life.

Another one bites the dust

What I do not get is why people look at you and say you keep talking about someone, or why do you keep talking about him? When a piece of you falls away from you, there is no exact time to heal or move on. People push you to move on or force you to walk away from something you held onto for so long and even though you are hurting and bleeding inside, you just have to put a band-aid on something that needs surgery to heal because you would just like to see the other person happy.

People should start to realize that sometimes it is not about whether someone is trying to move on, the fact that they are with you trying to make things work is already them trying, give them space and time to heal. You had your time you had your chance, but they do not want to take that chance to leave you to heal, because they already lost an opportunity to be with someone they really love. Be there for them when you said you would, do not give them another of those empty promises because they are trying to believe that are not a screw up or a mess, they are not an option when people are bored and they turn to them. The have feelings that are hurt, but they give even though they may not have much of their heart to give now since it is broken. Give them hope that there is someone that might see something special in  them for once and give the strength to look in the mirror and actually see that same thing.

To those who say I am not the right person for you months after dating, where the hell was your brain when you started to get to know someone? When they actually started telling you they had feelings more than a friend, where was your honesty and integrity then?? Or were you too selfish to actually lead them on and let them fall once they were soaring high? People deserve the truth, people deserve someone that is willing to fight for you, because at sometime in your life you would want that too. People deserve someone that actually cares to be around  them and take the effort to make them smile. So if your heart breaks the next after you have done this to someone, know that this is exactly how the person felt, time after time, person after person, ex after ex, and you told her to just "move on".

The little magic in life

So ladies, I know a lot of us are confused and have the lines blurred out between  knowing whether you are a gold digger and asking him to get a job. The solemn truth is that you are not a gold digger if you ask him to go out and earn some money. You are not a penny monger if you ask him to go out and send in applications and resumes and keep searching till something comes up. In fact, you are raising him up and pushing him out to greater things.  

A lot of people look at a person and think of she is just using him to get money and sometimes, yes , I agree that is the case. But if she hollers at you and keeps on pestering you to go and make something of yourself, instead of sulking and moping about at home, trust me that is not a gold digger. 

So, if you do have someone that actually cares about you and wants to be there for you, if you do not make an effort or make a move to stand where she is, trust me she will leave.As the saying goes. if she is easy she won't be worth it, if she is worth it , she won't be easy. So if you feel she is the one, keep pushing on and fight. A lot of people these days has forgotten the terms such as fight, will power, perseverance. People expect things to be given to them, we wait for an opportunity, we sit and wait till the time comes. 

How in the world do you expect things to happen without you pushing forward and making a move? Life does not just happen, you make it happen. You do not ever sit and wait and watch it go by, because before you know it, half a year is gone and all you have done is sit and watch other people make things happen for themselves. 

A bit like magic, life takes it's course. In order to have fun with magic that you see a magician doing, you need to have a little bit of faith and belief. The funny thing about this comaprison is that in life, you have to be both, the believer and the magician to see and experience the magic and surprises that await you. You have to be the one pulling the rabbit out of the hat and watch in amazement as it looks at you and then hops away into it's own habitat. Life has it's ups and downs but you gotta be a little crazy and believe that any moment now you will escape from the chest where your hands have been tied and sealed shut and come out as a victor.